Holidays

I think I figured out something this year.

I love Thanksgiving. It is - hands down - my favorite holiday. Conversely, I really don't like Christmas. It's just never done it for me. There have been a few times that I've enjoyed Christmas; when I was younger and singing in the San Francisco Boys Chorus Alumni Choir for their Old English Christmas Feast, when I was finally able to afford the FinFun mermaid tail that my youngest daughter always wanted and we wrapped it as if the Grinch brought it to her, or spending Christmas in Disneyland with my girls. But overall, I'm just not a fan of Christmas.

When people asked me about it, I always explained that when I was growing up, we didn't have a lot of money, so Christmas was usually a disappointment and not much fun. My mother was overbearingly religious and sucked most of the enjoyment out of the holiday. Whereas, for Thanksgiving, we always went up to my aunt and uncle's house in Sacramento. Lots of extended family, hanging out with cousins, listening to Alan Sherman, playing music, and, of course, tons of food. Plus, it was time not spent in the anguish of my home life.

But, as I said, I think I figured out something.

While all of the above is true, and absolutely influences my holiday preferences, I've come to realize that there's something else that has become a larger part of the equation.

Expectations.

You see, with Thanksgiving, there aren't really any expectations at all around the holiday. (Other than getting the turkey right. And while I make an awesome turkey, my recurring nightmare the night before Thanksgiving is that scene from Christmas Vacation where Clark cuts into the turkey. If you've seen the movie, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, go see it. Now. Really. It's hilarious and has some very subtle, powerful messages.)

But overall, the day is just about enjoying each other and enjoying food and enjoying some football (go Niners!) and celebrating rest and thankfulness (regardless of the holiday's mythical origins). No one is expected to get anything for anyone (except maybe a nice casserole), there are no expectations around how you feel. If you're bummed out, no problem. You still get turkey. If you're stressed, no problem. Come and chill on the couch for a day and just relax. If you're tired, no problem. Sleep all day and it's ok. Thanksgiving is the ultimate chill holiday.

Christmas, on the other hand, is not chill at all.

First of all, it's not just a day; it's a whole season. More than a full month. Starting the day after Thanksgiving (and actually, in most cases, even before. Just go walk through any store the day after Halloween). And it doesn't end on Christmas day. It goes another two weeks, plowing right through New Years, and straight into the middle of January. That's a long time to be dealing with all this.

Secondly, the fundamental expectations around Christmas are all about giving. Think about the Christmas mascot. Good Ol’ Jolly (we’ll get to that in a bit) St. Nick. Santa Clause, Kris Kringle. What’s his whole deal? Giving gifts. The mythical origins of Santa Clause are rooted in his going out and leaving gifts, money, and toys for the children.

Even in the song we sing every year, we hear all about the three kings bringing gifts. (Side note, there weren’t necessarily three of them, they weren’t kings, and they didn’t visit the manger. But that’s a whole other article.) Even the poor little boy who had nothing but a drum was expected to give something (here’s an ill-timed drum solo. Shut up kid, the baby’s sleeping!) And, of course, there’s the idea that Jesus was the ultimate gift from the Father to us. Giving is central to the holiday of Christmas and ingrained in its very origins. You cannot celebrate Christmas without some kind of giving.

Now I know, giving is a wonderful thing, right? And we all know the old saying “it’s the thought that counts”. But in reality, it doesn’t really extend to Christmas. There’s still a lot of pressure and expectations around gift giving (and this is exacerbated to nth degree if you have kids). Someone once said “they say it’s the thought that counts, but really it’s the thought that you’re getting something that’s significant for the other person”. Throughout much of my life, I’ve struggled financially. It’s always been hard to be able to afford to give significant gifts during Christmas. When people talk about what they got their friends, their families, I always cringe. I feel inadequate that I can’t afford to give the same types of gifts. Again, people will say “it’s not about the gift”, but it really is. When we’re inundated with the same message: Give! Give! Give! We see commercials about cars wrapped with bows. When we hear our children talk about what their friends got. When we hear our friends talk about what they got their partner, or friend, or child. It’s always there throughout the season.

I mentioned above that my youngest daughter wanted a FinFun mermaid swim tail for several years and I could never afford it. And every Christmas I felt deeply depressed that I couldn’t get it for her. Finally, the year I could afford it, she got it. And when she opened it, she screamed and cried for joy. And I did too.

For those of us who don’t have the resources to get “The Gift”, there’s a profound shame and sadness. And this doesn’t even touch on getting the wrong gift. Seeing the person open it and the look of disappointment that flashes on their face. They try to hide it, but you see it. And it tears your very soul. So for those of us who deal with all this, giving isn’t a wonderful thing; it’s something to be afraid of and worried about.

Third, there is substantial societal chaos and pressure around Christmas, mostly driven by Christian fundamentalists and extremists who are woefully undereducated about the holiday. They rage loudly about the “war on Christmas” and create hysteria about people using the abbreviation Xmas (For those who do not know, the “X” does not take Christ out of Christmas, rather, the “X” is an abbreviation for the Greek letter Chi, which is the first letter of the word used for Christ).( By the way, I’ve never heard anyone yell about a war on Thanksgiving, but that might just be because they’re knocked out by the tryptophan.) Or they’re prattling on about people saying “happy holidays” instead of “happy Christmas” because they’re too clueless or selfish to realize that there are other holidays that occur during the end of the year. So, regardless of whether you agree with these nuts or not, their sheer volume makes things exhausting. Especially if they’re in your own family.

Finally, remember when we were talking about Jolly Old St. Nick? That brings up another frustration around the Christmas holiday: the expectation that you need to be jolly, happy, joyful, festive, cheerful, fun, jocund, smiling, upbeat, mirthful, and yes, merry (why yes, I do use the Thesaurus). Think about one of the more recent personifications of Christmas spirit: Will Ferrell in “Elf”. The key attribute of his personality, and probably the most annoying to those around him, is his endless, cheerful attitude. This is what we think Christmas must be. True cheer, joy, and happiness. And if you’re not feeling it, there’s something wrong with you. But really, it’s exhausting to maintain that throughout the season, even if you’re in the best of situations. For the majority of us, for those who have lost loved ones, those who are alone, those who are dealing with real depression, real issues, real life, being joyful all the time is just not going to happen.

But that is the expectation: have a merry Christmas.

It’s all these expectations that have created the deep divide between Thanksgiving and Christmas for me. It’s why I tell my family that I won’t get out the Christmas decorations until the day after Thanksgiving. It’s why I joke with my daughters, telling them that every time you listen to a Christmas song before Thanksgiving, an elf dies. It’s why I try to delay Advent as much as I can. An attempt to stave off these expectations as long as possible.

Okay, so is there any redemption possible? I don’t really know. I guess it all depends. There were years where I would just grit my teeth and try to get through it. And there have been years where I truly felt Christmas and the joy and peace that we all talk about. But to be honest, ultimately it’s all up to you. However, there are a few things I’ve found that help me deal with the onslaught of Christmas:

One, be real. You don’t need to hide what you’re going through. If you’re dealing with the crap of life, that’s okay. Deal with it. Don’t pretend it’s not there. Try to be present in what you are feeling. If you’re not feeling the joy or the happiness, don’t try to. If it comes, it comes. People who really care for you will get it. And people who don’t? Cut them loose. If they can’t accept your real feelings and experiences, then you don’t need them.

This brings us to the second thing: find your people. Granted, this is easier said than done, but even if it’s only one person, find the people who breathe life into you. People who are okay just sitting with you in the reality of life. Being able to sit in silence with someone can be very healing. There are times we can be a giver, and there are some times when we need people to give to us. I used to have a close friend named Dave. I could talk to Dave and know he got it. He understood. He knew how to listen and I always knew he heard me. I would tell him something and he’d say “dude, I know”. And it wasn’t just mouthing platitudes. He really did know. You need to find your Dave.

Finally, let go of the expectation to give gifts. The only thing you are responsible for is taking care of yourself, and that includes financially. There is no reason to risk your own financial well-being to appease people who really don’t need it. If you have the resources to give, then absolutely do, but know that it is not a replacement for genuine connection and relationships. Resist the urge to find yourself and other’s approval through what you give. Find it in who you are and, as I said above, if they can’t accept that, then cut them loose. Generosity comes through your spirit, not your wallet.

Christmastime isn’t “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” for a lot of people. It can be a very difficult season. And all too often, we are expected to mask our pain and put on the holiday smile and pretend joy. One of my favorite quotes about the holidays is from Rev. Melinda V. McLain:

"You don't have to pretend to be happy when you are not. Real spiritual experiences value all of your feelings, not just joyful ones. All the December holidays have spiritual roots which are more life-giving than the secular celebrations. A small taste of the sacred is worth an entire world of empty smiles."

So search for the sacred in the midst of the empty smiles and remember that the reality is that the true core of Christmas is that God Himself chose to become a human and show us that it’s really all about Love. And the end of the story is that Love Wins. So buck the expectations and come chill on the couch, have some turkey, and watch the Muppet Christmas Carol together.