Fathers Shape Men

Before we get started on a journey of defining manhood, we need to take a step back and see where our original idea of manhood came from.

There is a line at the end of the song "Cat's in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin where the father, who had neglected his son throughout his life, calls up his now grown son to spend time with him and the son says he's just too busy.

And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me He'd grown up just like me My boy was just like me

(If you've never heard the song, go listen to it. It's one of the most profound statements on fatherhood that's ever been made.)

You see, the father is reflecting on the fact that his son now is the same kind of person he is. Throughout the son’s life, the father never had time to spend with him. And yet, no matter what the dad said, the son's response was always:

I'm gonna be like him, yeah You know I'm gonna be like him

And that came true. So here's the key thing that we need to always remember:

fathers create sons who are just like their fathers.

You see, God designed us as men to be shaped by our fathers, and for that relationship to shape our relationship with God. Throughout scripture, God is described as our Father. Consider the Lord’s prayer, where Jesus refers to God as “our father”. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven”. Overall, God is referred to as “Father” over 250 times in the New Testament. And of that, 165 of those is from Jesus himself. So there is a very clear and intentional link between how we perceive God and how we see our dads. If we’ve been blessed with dads who show generosity and love, then that is how we will see God.

When I was in college, one of my roommates moved out and got married. Some months later, his dad showed up at our door with two full bags of groceries. I said “hi, you know Dan doesn’t live here anymore”. He just smiled as he brought in the groceries and said “I know. I just thought you guys could use some real food.”  That was just who he was. A man who lived out generosity and love. Consequently, his son is one of the most generous and loving people I know. And that is reflected in his relationship with God. He is able to just believe for God’s generosity and provision because he saw it in his own dad.

At the other end of the spectrum, we have my dad. My dad was not exactly the most loving or giving person. In fact, at the end of his life, I went to see him in the hospital and after introducing him to my fiancée, he looked at me and his last words to me were “You know, I never really liked you”.  So what do we do if we had a bad dad? Or an absent dad? That’s a great question and I wish I had a profound answer. But I don’t. However, there are a couple things you can do to begin to deal with it. The first is to find some real and significant therapy. There is often a stigma around men getting help, but sometimes there is just too much to deal with. We don’t have all the answers and it’s critical that we get them. Or at least get some guidance on how to deal with them. As others have pointed out, if you had a heart attack, you wouldn’t try surgery to fix it yourself. And you wouldn’t just “tough it out”. We would get help from someone qualified to help. Counseling and therapy is no different. Getting guidance and an outside perspective is key to getting our heads on straight. Also, please keep in mind that pastoral counseling is not the same thing as therapy. While many pastors are empathic and can offer great advice and spiritual guidance, and some may even have actual therapist credentials, the majority of pastors are not equipped to provide real mental health therapy.

The second thing you can do to deal with having a negative experience with your dad is to begin to find ways to reparent yourself. Reshape your perception of what it looks like to be a loving father. Start with your own dad and look deeper, past the hurt, and try to identify at least one thing you can point to that was out of the ordinary and reflected something positive. I think back on my dad and the one thing I remember that he ever did for me was to bring us pizza while we were waiting in line for Star Wars. Now, this sounds like a small thing, but we had been waiting literally for about 20 hours in line and we were hungry. This was one small act that I can take a hold of and bring into my perception of fatherhood. But beyond that, long after I moved out of my parent’s house, there were older men who could begin to show me what it meant to be a man who followed God. I mentioned my roommate’s dad who’s generosity and sincere care for us began to reshape my understanding of what real manhood could be. I began to actively look for men who understood what it truly meant to be a father and a man and through their examples, I could redefine what manhood meant. Even popular culture can give us a glimpse of what to do and what not to do as a father (such as the aforementioned song, "Cat’s in the Cradle". Seriously, if you haven’t heard it, really, what’s wrong with you? Go listen to it now.) The examples of strong, solid, biblical men who are living out what it really means to follow Jesus and be fathers that reflect the love of God can be a powerful template for us to adopt and build on.

Finally, the last (or, perhaps the first) thing we need to do is pray and study the most perfect example of a father and son. Since this whole study is about redefining our manhood based on the person of Jesus, it’s only natural that we use Him as an example of relating to fathers. So let’s explore that relationship.

Throughout the Gospels, we get glimpses of God, the Father interacting with Jesus. We can start with the most obvious example. In Matthew 3, Jesus shows up to his cousin’s baptism service to be baptized. Scripture then notes: “As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” (Matt 3:16-17). So the first thing we see in Jesus’ relationship with His father is that His father affirms him and praises him.

The second thing we need to learn from Jesus is that he is constantly talking with his father. Throughout the Gospels we see examples of Jesus going off to pray. For example,

• Right before he chose the twelve apostles (Luke 6:12)

• Before he embarked on his ministry

• During his ministry, scripture often notes that Jesus would go off alone to pray

Additionally, in times of great stress or grief, Jesus’ go to was to run to his dad:

• After hearing that his cousin John the Baptist had been beheaded (Matthew 14:13)

• Before his trial and crucifixion (Mark 14:32)

And keep in mind that when Jesus went off to pray, all he was really doing was talking to his dad.  He would seek guidance and comfort from his Father.

So what do we take away from this? Jesus’ relationship with his Father reflected these attributes:

• Someone who builds up others and affirms and commends them

• Someone who is able to talk and seek guidance and encouragement

• Someone who can express and discuss their emotions.

Now that we’ve got a foundation of understanding how our fathers shape our idea of what it means to be a man and how Jesus related to his dad, let’s be dads that shape our children to be better than we were and maybe, just maybe, we won't have to worry about the kind of song written about us.